The PANY Bulletin

Psychoanalytic Association of New York
Volume 39, Number 3 Fall 2001

Guidelines for Parents Helping Their Children Cope with the Impact of the Terrorist Attack
by Martin Silverman, M.D.

Dr. Silverman prepared these guidelines for the Association for Child Psychoanalysis after the September 11 attack.

1. Help your children, but do not overwhelm them with help. Offer them assistance, but do not pressure them to think about and talk about what has happened beyond their ability to do so. And do not overwhelm them with information. Children need answers to their questions, tactfully and truthfully, but it is not in their interest to be flooded with more information than they ask for or they need.

2. Talking about what has happened and is happening helps, but only when it is done in tolerable doses. It is wise to respect your children's need to break off the discussion and to respect their wish to not talk further about these difficult things for a while. They or you can ask to talk again at another time.

3. Different age groups have different needs. For example, very young children need to be protected from exposure to too much from television and other media sources. They are likely to have seen and heard too much already. Do not underestimate young children's awareness of and understanding of what has happened and is happening. Answer your children's questions about death and injury truthfully, but in language they can grasp and without offering them more than is necessary for them to hear. It may be very helpful for young children to have an opportunity to draw pictures of what has happened, perhaps including rescue vehicles coming to give aid, etc. Children who are a little older might find it helpful to build the twin towers with blocks and play out what has happened with toy planes and cars. They may find it helpful to use heroic action figures or play with toy soldiers and military equipment to express the feelings of danger they might be feeling and to deal with what they are hearing about military operations. School age children might be inclined to use these less verbal forms of expression, but they might be able to be more direct and verbal about their feelings and their concerns. They are more likely to be able to talk about how they feel with their parents, relatives, teachers, clergymen, and other adults. Teenagers tend to find it helpful to talk as part of a small group of youngsters their age rather than all by themselves.

4. Your children will benefit very much from reassurance that they are not alone. They need to know that their parents and the government are there to protect them. Children as well as adults feel more secure when they see that Americans are uniting and pulling together to protect against further attack upon our safety and security. Children need to know that they can rely on parents.

5. Your children will be helped by seeing and hearing that their parents are brave and strong and that America is brave and strong. It is enormously reassuring to children to have the adults around them show strength and courage in response to the current crisis. They need to perceive an attitude of "If we stick together, we will get through this and be all right." Don't be afraid to let your children see that you too have feelings about what has happened and is taking place. But you don't want to burden your children with the responsibility of making you feel better. Children need their parents to comfort them.

6. Children need to be helped not only with their anxiety and fear but also with their anger. Our children understandably react with anger to what has happened. They need to know that their anger can be tolerated and accepted by their parents and that they will be helped to express their feelings in healthy ways and to be helped to remain under control themselves.

7. Our children need help in comprehending how it is that people can do terrible things to other people at times. Harsh reality about terrible things in the world has burst the illusion that we are invincible and safe from harm. Your children will need your help as they deal with the reality that there are people in the world who do not love people and care about them the way most people do, so that they are able to do things that hurt other people when they are troubled and angry. Most of all, our children need to be reminded that there are only a small number of people like this and that most people in the world are good, caring, loving people.

8. Parents need to be able to recognize indirect signs that their children are experiencing distress with which they need help. Some children may not talk about what is troubling them, but instead they have difficulty sleeping, such as difficulty falling asleep, waking up frequently during the night, or complaining of bad dreams. Comforting your children, reminding them that you are there for them, offering a stuffed animal or a flashlight to take to bed with them at night, and spending some quiet time with your children, reading or playing a game, before they go to sleep may be very helpful to them. Schoolwork may fall off for a while. There may be irritability or tantrums. Some children may return emotionally to an earlier stage of life, when they felt safer and less vulnerable. Younger children may become clingy or want a bottle. A child who has been dry at night may begin to wet the bed. Older children may revert back to being afraid of being alone or become anxious when their parents leave the house. Be patient and comforting with your children if they show such signs of anxiousness. Let your children know that you are thinking about them and that you are there to help them deal with their feelings.